Poop Is Brown

I have not yet mentioned this on here, however when it comes to driving, I have a bit of an anger management problem. Generally, I am a pleasure to be around; funny, light-hearted, jovial, and a genuinely caring and nice person. But not in a car. Never in a car. It’s very “Hulk-like” in its expression, but I turn more of a purply-mauve and my vocabulary is far more…shall I say “colorful”. In knowing this, I would like to present to you the following items I have seen driving to and from work each day (FYI, the 14 mile trip home takes an average of 50 minutes).

5 shitty drivers I see on my daily drive:

1. People who creep at stop lights

Watch for these people. They will repeatedly take their foot off the break, crawl 2 inches, stop, crawl another inch, stop, until at some point they are half way in the intersection. They appear to be in a big rush. This is crock of steaming bullshit. They are in fact in an “anti-rush”. I can guarantee that once the light turns green they will be the last person to actually make their car move, and once they do, you can bet that they’ll be comfortably cruising 8 miles an hour below the posted speed limit. I hate these people.

2. People with those retarded “family” Colorforms® on their rear windows

I don’t know why so many people are under the impression I give a flying fuck how many dogs they have or that their 3 year old is enrolled in ballet class (she sucks by the way, you’re only helping her train for the stripper she’s going to become…teach her how to give a good BJ while your at it, she’ll make more). And the more of these stickers they have, the worse their driving becomes. These drivers tend to ride the break, tapping it in unpredictable intervals which have nothing to do with the speed their going or the cars in front of them. Perhaps it’s to the beat of the Raffi CD they’ve got going on. I don’t know, but they make me very cranky.

3. People with multiple registration stickers visible on their license plates

I cannot speak for all 50 states, but in my neck of the woods, we are provided a special little space in the top right corner where our most recent registration sticker lives. Each replacement is then supposed to go directly on top of the former expired one like a tiny yellow orgy. Apparently, those I encounter on a daily basis are incapable of recognizing this clearly designated rectangle as being where their sticker goes. It’s like a free-for-all. I’m behind a bunch of people whose parents must not have given them much to play with because they are going all out to decorate their tags now. These people are ridiculously slow drivers. I’ve seen them be out paced by Vespas. Avoid them like they have herpes.

4. People with incredibly dark tint on their windows

There must be a rule somewhere that states that if you get your car covered in illegal tints, the shop must also disable your signal lights. You’ve also got to dart in & out of traffic so you get a whole 3 car’s in from of me in bumper to bumper traffic. See all those cars up there genius…they’re not moving, neither are you. Generally these drivers are 16 year old kids who just inherited their mom’s ’98 Toyota Corolla & want to “pimp it out”. Um…jackass…you can’t pimp out a fucking Corolla….It’s a COROLLA!!!

5. Anyone in an Acura

These people are just assholes. All of them. Yes, you too. I have NEVER seen someone in an Acura drive like a human being. I have been (on 2 separate occasions) literally run off of the road by Acura drivers because they needed to get off at the freeway exit that I just happened to be on. One of them was a lady with an infant in the back seat & one of those “Baby on Board” placards. Um…so I guess because you have that posted the state has also licensed you to be a c—t? These people have no redeeming values. They should be sterilized.

Ok, that’s my 2 cents. Helpful hint: leave me alone for a little while after I get home. I’m a bit irritable.