Poop Is Brown

Some of you may remember Michael Winslow from his multiple appearances in the Police Academy movies. To my fantastic luck (or lack there of) this is who I sleep next to every night. OK, well not the real Michael Winslow, but judging from the odd array of sounds I’m greeted with some nights, you’d swear you were watching the man himself. Strange whistles, hums, animalistic grunting, something akin to honking, and unexplainable lip smacking chewing sounds that would lead you to believe there was a feast of Roman proportions on the other side of the bed. Last night, I was privy to a symphony of rare and impressive proportions. It began precisely at 3 am with teeth grinding and continued its grandeur until 5:30 am (just slightly before my alarm was due to wake me for yet another fun filled adventure in scheduling). Perhaps it would be better if it happened every night so I would know to expect it. Or even maybe if the sounds were continuous throughout the witching hours. But no. The sounds are wily and deceptive. They start slow, grow to a glorious crescendo, and then taper off slowly, lasting between 5 and 10 minutes for each performance. Then it stops. You think it’s over. Nay may friend, that was just the opening performance. At completely random intervals, sometimes 2 minute respites other times 20, it will begin again washing over you like a horny, unfed warthog, filling your ears with sounds that shouldn’t be possible from an ordinary human. Coupled with the Bloodhound Foot (this is the foot that seeks you out wherever you are on the bed & insists on rubbing against you for minutes on end) my nightly sleep is ALWAYS an adventure in entertainment. I wish I had the computer skills to record these special moments for you, but as I am the only honored audience for this unparalleled display, I’ll just leave it at, “I laughed, I cried, it was better than Cats”.