Poop Is Brown

When giving directions in South Florida, you should always start with the words, Take I-95 to. . . .

If you’re a snowbird or a non-working retiree, you absolutely cannot drive between the hours of 6 and 10 A.M. and 4 and 7 P.M,. This is considered to be rush hour and you’re not in any rush. No exceptions.

Some roads just stop for no reason and then start again: Congress Avenue, Lyons Road, Jog Road. Freeways can only go north and south, not east and west.

A1A and ALT A1A are the same streets.

Traffic Lights aren’t timed and never will be.

You know how to drive 80 mph and you know how to drive in bumper to bumper traffic? Now do both at the same time.

We measure the distance you travel in time not miles.

If you travel more than 15-20 miles on any road in South Florida without seeing an orange Bob’s Barricade, you’re not in Florida. You’re lost!

I-95 is a parking lot not a freeway.

When your body height becomes four inches below the steering wheel get acquainted with Palm Tran train.

If you miss your exit on I-95, it’s perfectly acceptable to back up.

Once the light turns green, only three cars can go through the intersection.

Know the difference between Sun Pass, Sun Fest, Sun-Sentinel, and Sun Trust.

Flip flops, tank tops and baggy shorts are also known as business casual.

Your blinker means nothing.

English is our second language.

It is perfectly acceptable to brag about the size of your generator.

It is totally acceptable to be living in South Florida but not root for The Dolphins, The Marlins, The Heat, or The Panthers.

We have alligators here in South Florida and they WILL bite you. Don’t be stupid and try to feed or pet one.

Clematis is a street not a disease.

When a hurricane is headed our way even though you have advanced warning and you are told to be prepared, you’re not a true Floridian unless you wait until the absolute last minute to go to Home Depot to pick up plywood or to Publix to stock up water, ice, beer, and potato chips.

There is an Okeechobee Boulevard, Okeechobee Street, Okeechobee Avenue, an Okeechobee town, Okeechobee Lake, and Okeechobee County.

You know how to spell Okeechobee.

Northlake Blvd and Okeechobee Blvd are where you buy a car.

Do NOT buy a boat. Make friends with someone who already owns a boat. That way you don’t have to deal with the headaches.

You weren’t born here. If you were, you’re angry that everyone else moved here.

There’s always a Walgreens across the street from a CVS on almost every corner - with more being built every day.

When picking up a woman on South Beach, look for an Adams’ apple.

You can never be as tan as News Channel 5’s Jim Sackett.

The Amphitheater at the Fair Grounds will change names about every four years.

It’s perfectly normal to string up your Christmas lights in December while wearing shorts and a tank top.

Jupiter is a city not a planet.

Seniors have to do their errands during the weekdays. Not weeknights or weekends - that’s for the working folks.

There are three types of dolphins: Mahi-Mahi, Flipper, and also one called a football team.

You can’t say, “This is how we did it up north.” If you think that way, then go back.

No matter what they decide in Tallahassee, you will never be able to figure out your property taxes.

Learn how to dress in layers. It will be 95 degrees outside but inside any restaurant or business it’s 65 degrees.

There are three things you will need to survive a south Florida winter: A long sleeved T-shirt, sunscreen, and restaurant reservations that you make at least three weeks in advance.

The same neighbor who smiles at you every day will be the first one to rat you out if you are violating water restrictions.

It’s normal to sweat when you are putting up your holiday decorations