Poop Is Brown

I’m at a loss…

Everyone knows a douchbag. Some of us, sadly, know several. There are boss douches, frat douches, neighbor douches, military douches, club douches, and anyone who thinks that an unbuttoned shirt with copious chest hair and a gold chain is appealing douches. The term douche bag invariably refers to males. And don’t get your BVD’s in a bunch, there are PLENTY of derogatory expressions for women, but this particular piece is meant to provide insight into the male psyche. Here is a list of douche bags I have personally known:

The Martial Arts Douche Bag
He’s got he black belt in Taekwondo and must prove his prowess to everyone. Including your 9 year old brother (which is really impressive as it must be hard at 20 to intimidate a 4th grader). In order to compensate for less than impressive bedroom skills, the Martial Arts Douche Bag must show his manliness by abusing his girlfriends/wives, getting lots of mismatched tattoos, and most importantly, making up grandiose stories about heroic acts such as saving groups of orphans from burning buildings. MADB should be avoided unless you really have a desire for long bullshit stories.


The Counter Culture Douche Bag
He knows all the “underground” bands. Whatever you are listening to right now it’s too main stream. Belle & Sebastian is too over played and 40% gray is the new black. Watch out for Emo tattoos (scars they made with lighters, glass chunks, or rusty metal), Libertarian stickers, and an unhealthy obsession with David Byrne.


The Pseudo-Intellectual” Douche Bag
Oh, he’s read “Naked Lunch”, and “Hitchhikers Guide to the Galaxy”. But trust me, this man couldn’t tell the difference between Kafka’s “Metamorphosis” and the Terminix training manual.

If you think you have a douche bag worthy of the list, send it over and if it’s good, we’ll add it.
douche@poopisbrown.com