Poop Is Brown

A paraprosdokian (from Greek “para”, meaning “beyond” and “prosdokian”, meaning “expectation”) is a figure of speech in which the latter part of a sentence or phrase is surprising or unexpected in a way that causes the reader or listener to reframe or reinterpret the first part. It is frequently used for humorous or dramatic effect, sometimes producing an anticlimax. For this reason, it is extremely popular among comedians and satirists. Some paraprosdokians not only change the meaning of an early phrase, but also play on the double meaning of a particular word, creating a syllepsis. (definition from Wikipedia)

Ø Do not argue with an idiot. He will drag you down to his level and beat you with experience.
Ø The last thing I want to do is hurt you. But it’s still on the list.
Ø If I agreed with you we’d both be wrong.
Ø Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit; Wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.
Ø Evening news is where they begin with ‘Good evening’, and then proceed to tell you why it isn’t.
Ø To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism. To steal from many is research.
Ø A bus station is where a bus stops. A train station is where a train stops. On my desk, I have a work station.
Ø Dolphins are so smart that within a few weeks of captivity, they can train people to stand on the very edge of the pool and throw them fish.
Ø I thought I wanted a career, turns out I just wanted pay checks.
Ø Behind every successful man is his woman. Behind the fall of a successful man is usually another woman.
Ø You do not need a parachute to skydive. You only need a parachute to skydive twice.
Ø Some cause happiness wherever they go. Others whenever they go.
Ø When tempted to fight fire with fire, remember that the Fire Department usually uses water.
Ø You’re never too old to learn something stupid.
Ø If you are supposed to learn from your mistakes, why do some people have more than one child?
Ø “If I could say a few words, I’d be a better public speaker.” —Homer Simpson
Ø “If I am reading this graph correctly—I’d be very surprised.” —Stephen Colbert
Ø “You can always count on the Americans to do the right thing—after they have tried everything else.” —Winston Churchill
Ø “If all the girls who attended the Yale prom were laid end to end, I wouldn’t be a bit surprised.” — Dorothy Parker
Ø “I’ve had a perfectly wonderful evening, but this wasn’t it.” —Groucho Marx
Ø “A modest man, who has much to be modest about.” —Winston Churchill
Ø “She looks as though she’s been poured into her clothes, and forgot to say when.” —P. G. Wodehouse
Ø “I like going to the park and watching the children run around because they don’t know I’m using blanks.” —Emo Phillips
Ø “He was at his best when the going was good.” —Alistair Cooke on the Duke of Windsor
Ø “There but for the grace of God—goes God.” —Winston Churchill

I know this really isn’t the platform for political commentary, but this is the best soapbox I could find.  Unless you have been living under a rock, you must have heard about the terrorist the Scottish government decided to release 7 years into a 27 year minimum sentence for “compassionate” reasons.  The poor little terrorist has prostate cancer, boo-hoo-hoo.  I mean, seriously, what the fuck were they thinking?  Let’s show some compassion for this despicable piece of shit that murdered 270 people?  What is wrong with you pacifist bitchass Europeans?  Do you not have any value for human life?

And, on top of letting go of someone who should have been getting his malignant colon sodomized daily for another couple decades, Libya treats the motherfucker like a returning hero with fucking cheering crowds.

“It is a matter of great regret that Mr. al Megrahi was received in such an inappropriate manner,”

MacAskill told an emergency session of the Scottish parliament.  MacAskill, who said he would cooperate with any inquiry into his decision, acknowledged widespread condemnation of the terrorist’s release, saying this was beyond his jurisdiction.

“There remain concerns to some on the wider issues of the Lockerbie tragedy,” he said. “This is a global issue.”

Yes, you fucking tool, this IS a global issue, but the plane blew up in Scotland, and even killed 11 of Scotland’s own people on the ground when it crashed.  So we, “the globe”, figured you kilt wearing sheep-fuckers were good enough to handle point on this one and dish out some justice.  Boy were we wrong.  When you have people like Kenny MacAskill sucking terrorist cock you aren’t going to be very good at punishing terrorists.  Oh and last time I checked Kenny, the reason you guys had him imprisoned was because the shit happened in your “jurisdiction”, you fucking pussy.

What went through MacAskill’s head when he was deliberating this decision?  I guess sheep-fucking can be distracting because his excuses don’t even make any fucking sense.

What message does this send terrorists?  I guess it tells them that if they want to kill people and cause mayhem they should go do it in Scotland.  Hopefully Kenny gets some of that firsthand, maybe that will open his sheep ejaculate encrusted eyes.

Sadly we’re trapped on the same planet as these functionally retarded assclowns. There’s a reason England has never let you have your own sovereign government. It would be like letting Lindsay Lohan babysit a pharmacy. A bad idea is a bad idea. Personally I call for a boycott of all things Scottish. Not like they’ve really contributed a dimes worth of use to this planet in the first place. But for anyone still buying haggis as a gag (literally) gift or still searching for that bath toy they’ve been pushing as a cryptozoological certainty please remember:

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Utterly rent-spent
Ignorance and arrogance
Those too blind-stupid to see
The pond is blighted with drought

Doubt-blame
Lacking and shame
Too many layers to gesso the canvas
Sucking the tailpipe clearing the slate

Unknown, unseen
Discarded & destroyed
Birds in the meadow pick at the stone
Taking keep where groundskeepers do not go

I’m very curious as to the story behind this incredibly odd picture…any thoughts?

UPDATE 02/16/2009: The closing of T-Shirt Hell was just a crappy marketing gimmick. Ok, well maybe not crappy in the ridiculous number of sales they got, but crappy in the “Got you Sucker” they played on their fans & shoppers. And all for a quick buck in a sagging market where over 9% of their key demographic is out of work. I already had the items I wanted so did not join the mad rush to buy, but I know that many others did. Funny is good. Crass is good. Politically incorrect is good. But greedy under the guise of being clever…not so much.

I am truly saddened. The wittiest, dirtiest, and damn for sure funniest clothing companies is calling it quits. After nearly 8 years of toeing the line, crossing it, snorting it, & then screwing it up the ass, T-Shirt Hell will cease to exist February 10, 2009. This is all because a bunch of self-righteous windbags who have nothing better to do with their pointless lives chose to harass the creators with their misplaced brand of altruism. This isn’t altruism. You’re not bettering her world bitching about an off color shirt. You want to do some good? Volunteer, join the Peace Corps, raise some children that aren’t filled with a bullshit sense of entitlement and a half-assed education (once and for all, next person to say “irregardless” is seriously getting punched in the face…it’s regardless you fucking retard). My thoughts are summed up quite succinctly by a soon to be former employee who saw fit to rant a lot longer than I have. I post below some little pics of my all time favorites. I post them for posterity, for history, so that someone, somewhere can look and say, “Holy crap, this is insane”, and laugh their asses off. So please book your ticket to Dante’s 7th level by laughing at the following:

I’m at a loss…