Poop Is Brown

I know this really isn’t the platform for political commentary, but this is the best soapbox I could find.  Unless you have been living under a rock, you must have heard about the terrorist the Scottish government decided to release 7 years into a 27 year minimum sentence for “compassionate” reasons.  The poor little terrorist has prostate cancer, boo-hoo-hoo.  I mean, seriously, what the fuck were they thinking?  Let’s show some compassion for this despicable piece of shit that murdered 270 people?  What is wrong with you pacifist bitchass Europeans?  Do you not have any value for human life?

And, on top of letting go of someone who should have been getting his malignant colon sodomized daily for another couple decades, Libya treats the motherfucker like a returning hero with fucking cheering crowds.

“It is a matter of great regret that Mr. al Megrahi was received in such an inappropriate manner,”

MacAskill told an emergency session of the Scottish parliament.  MacAskill, who said he would cooperate with any inquiry into his decision, acknowledged widespread condemnation of the terrorist’s release, saying this was beyond his jurisdiction.

“There remain concerns to some on the wider issues of the Lockerbie tragedy,” he said. “This is a global issue.”

Yes, you fucking tool, this IS a global issue, but the plane blew up in Scotland, and even killed 11 of Scotland’s own people on the ground when it crashed.  So we, “the globe”, figured you kilt wearing sheep-fuckers were good enough to handle point on this one and dish out some justice.  Boy were we wrong.  When you have people like Kenny MacAskill sucking terrorist cock you aren’t going to be very good at punishing terrorists.  Oh and last time I checked Kenny, the reason you guys had him imprisoned was because the shit happened in your “jurisdiction”, you fucking pussy.

What went through MacAskill’s head when he was deliberating this decision?  I guess sheep-fucking can be distracting because his excuses don’t even make any fucking sense.

What message does this send terrorists?  I guess it tells them that if they want to kill people and cause mayhem they should go do it in Scotland.  Hopefully Kenny gets some of that firsthand, maybe that will open his sheep ejaculate encrusted eyes.

Sadly we’re trapped on the same planet as these functionally retarded assclowns. There’s a reason England has never let you have your own sovereign government. It would be like letting Lindsay Lohan babysit a pharmacy. A bad idea is a bad idea. Personally I call for a boycott of all things Scottish. Not like they’ve really contributed a dimes worth of use to this planet in the first place. But for anyone still buying haggis as a gag (literally) gift or still searching for that bath toy they’ve been pushing as a cryptozoological certainty please remember:

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UPDATE 02/16/2009: The closing of T-Shirt Hell was just a crappy marketing gimmick. Ok, well maybe not crappy in the ridiculous number of sales they got, but crappy in the “Got you Sucker” they played on their fans & shoppers. And all for a quick buck in a sagging market where over 9% of their key demographic is out of work. I already had the items I wanted so did not join the mad rush to buy, but I know that many others did. Funny is good. Crass is good. Politically incorrect is good. But greedy under the guise of being clever…not so much.

I am truly saddened. The wittiest, dirtiest, and damn for sure funniest clothing companies is calling it quits. After nearly 8 years of toeing the line, crossing it, snorting it, & then screwing it up the ass, T-Shirt Hell will cease to exist February 10, 2009. This is all because a bunch of self-righteous windbags who have nothing better to do with their pointless lives chose to harass the creators with their misplaced brand of altruism. This isn’t altruism. You’re not bettering her world bitching about an off color shirt. You want to do some good? Volunteer, join the Peace Corps, raise some children that aren’t filled with a bullshit sense of entitlement and a half-assed education (once and for all, next person to say “irregardless” is seriously getting punched in the face…it’s regardless you fucking retard). My thoughts are summed up quite succinctly by a soon to be former employee who saw fit to rant a lot longer than I have. I post below some little pics of my all time favorites. I post them for posterity, for history, so that someone, somewhere can look and say, “Holy crap, this is insane”, and laugh their asses off. So please book your ticket to Dante’s 7th level by laughing at the following:

Anna Godinas resident of Immokalee (if Tampa is the armpit, Immokalee is definitely Florida’s asshole) went on a beer run. Rather than the typical backwater parent who leaves their children home alone or locked in a car, this Mother of the Year candidate opted to leave her one, two, and five-year-old children standing in the rain outside of a gas station. But in order to one up all the fucked up parents in the state, Ms. Godinas was quoted by police as saying, “I don’t want them anymore anyway”.

1. People at work. There are an elite group of individuals at my job who mope around all day looking for a pity party & bitching about actually having to do work. Hey, assface, there’s the door. If you don’t fucking like it here, go somewhere else. I don’t need to see your pissy sad, “oh poor me I have job and I actually have to do work to get paid” face. Yes, getting up early sucks. And I will not argue that some crap is tedious & annoying. There are people who will get on your nerves. But if every day you show up looking like I just killed your dog, maybe it’s time to make a career move. That or grow a pair of balls & deal with it. Sorry your mom’s not here to wipe your ass anymore. (And don’t dare come to me saying that I’m a slacker by being on the internet, it’s not my fault I’m efficient & do my shit right the first time.)

2. 87° F @ 10:40 am with 75% humidity. Seriously, WTF? It’s not even June yet & you’re gonna pull that bullshit on me. Speaking of…

3. People who say we need to stop using air conditioning to save the planet. Hey, I’m as much for saving the planet as the next guy (I’ve even been accused of being a tree-hugging hippy) but when you self-righteous assholes who live north of the Mason-Dixon try to shove that up my ass, expect a punch in the face.

4. Kids who don’t respect their parents. I in no way will say that my parents are perfect, but I still have respect for them. These are the same people who gave up their lives to make sure I had clean clothes, was protected, well fed, and educated. Did they make mistakes, hell yes, but they’re human, and to expect faultlessness is just outright stupid. I walked around on Mother’s Day & saw a few adult children taking Mom out to lunch. But there were those who clearly viewed it as an obligation, not an honor to pay tribute to their parent for all the hard work and sacrifice placed into making this ungrateful little bastard into a living breathing adult. Then I read a few columns talking about how parents don’t deserve respect because the child is lacking in some way as an adult (e.g., divorced, drinking, can’t afford mortgage payments, go nowhere career). Um, hello, mom & dad are there to make sure you get love & stay alive. What you make of your life is on you. If you’re a sad sack who lives in a shitty apartment with a crap job and can’t keep a real relationship that’s on you. Mom & dad didn’t make you a loser; you chose to be the person that you are. If you don’t like who you are, then make something of yourself & stop blaming the world for turning you into an asshole. Trust me, you got there all on your own.

5. McObalinton – I’m over it. If I vote Stalin, can we all go home?

6. The Hills. Dear G-d in heaven, if you watch this show, please just set yourself on fire & spare the rest of us your vapid, useless existence. Your sole function on the planet at this point is converting oxygen to carbon dioxide. To call this show retarded is an insult to those of low intellect. The fact that this show continues to air is just further solidifies my stance that I cannot bring a child into this world.

7. Cheeseburgers. Why must you be so delicious?

8. Chronic drunk drivers. In the span of two days I have read two stories (#1 here) about drunk drivers who killed people because they were either too fucking stupid or too damn self-absorbed (or both) to think…”hey, maybe my drunk ass should not be behind the wheel”. This is why I believe in the death penalty. It actually nauseates me to know that the laws are not strong enough to do anything about these men. But, hey, we got the local weed dealer locked up for 10-20! Yes, I can totally see the logic here with all the people that pot’s killed over the years, yep, thanks government…awesome job.

Ok, enough ranting for now. Maybe more next week.

Taking a step back to their youths in 1692 Massachusetts, Jim Piculas (substitute teacher) has been accused of wizardry by the Pasco County supervisor of teachers. Seriously! I guess I’m going to have to go over there to see if he really does weigh more than a duck!
Check out the article here.


Or here’s another


Maybe the DNC was right denying the Dem’s the right to vote. Floridians are just to stupid to survive on their own.

I have to give a pat on the back to Tina Williams and Amber Tedrick of St. Augustine, FL for having the forethought to buckle in their case of Busch beer but not the 16 month old little girl in the back seat of the car. This is truly what Florida is all about!

Yikes, like they’re not charging enough for drinking glasses cleaned with towels left on the floor & bed bugs, now you can actually be charged for moving items in the mini-bar.WTF?!?

I’m not one to tout offending people for their race, religion, sexual orientation, or place or origin however I’m far from what you would consider politically correct. Keeping this in mind, I’d like you to be aware Britain is trying to pass legislation (for reasons beyond my comprehension) so that women who sell sex (aka: hookers, whores, street walkers, etc.) can no longer be referred to as prostitutes in court. What?! Seriously?! But, isn’t that what they are you ask? Same thing I asked. But apparently the brilliant minds in Merry ol England feel that it is derogatory & demeaning. A spokeswoman for the Justice Ministry was quoted as saying, “It just wasn’t really helpful to label people”. But, THAT’S WHAT THEY ARE!!! What the hell??? You can read more about it here. I’m just left in awe.

I just finished reading this article on cereal companies being forced to reformulate kid’s cereals or stop marketing them to children. The idea behind this is that childhood obesity is on the rise, so we need to take the sugar and calories out, or as they phrased it “raise the nutritional value”. The blinders these people have stopping them from seeing the obvious must be industrial sized because I’m certainly not oblivious to the fact that fat kids belong to crappy parents. That’s it. End of story.

Kids cereals were always higher in sugar & calories because children (used to) burn more energy. Now these sad-sack excuses for mom’s & dad’s allow their cherubic little rays of sunshine to sit on their fat asses all damn day playing PS3 instead of forcing them to get out of the house. It boggles my mind seeing the number of plump 4 year olds shoveling shit into their mouths and mommy & daddy are just smiling on. Holy shit, you’re kid’s a fucking tub of lard, stop it with the Coke & Chips and give him a jump rope. There’s nothing wrong with giving children “no-good-stuff” once in a while, but today’s convenience oriented parents just give little Emma and Jacob whatever they want whenever they want it. Learn to say no!!! Yes, they’ll cry. Deal with it. It’s part of being a parent. A child is not a clever accessory, it’s a human being, and you need to learn to instill discipline and rules so they know how to behave in society.

Cereals used to be the worst of parent worries because of all the b.s. rolling around about sugar causing hyperactivity. Thankfully, someone finally put it together that it’s the kids that are hyper (if anything sugar is a downer, check out the research). Should children subsist solely off of Sugar (no) Honey (wrong again) Smacks, NO, but as part of a balanced diet and regular activity they are an enjoyable allowable treat. Instead we have these lazy parents pulling the government in to police the food because they’re unwilling to simply raise their own child. Having sex & spitting out a kid does not make you a parent. It makes you a breeder. If anything we should pull the government in and force people to stop having children unless they can prove they can be responsible for a child. Take Junior to the park, buy your daughter a bike, get that kid moving. Children’s cereals are not some great evil scourge of the Earth. They’re fun. They taste good. And in reasonable amounts regulated by conscientious parents there is nothing wrong with them. Urgh, people piss me off.

Folks, this scares the bejesus out of me. According to Gallup Poll® more Americans accept theory of creationism than evolution. I have no issue with organized religion generally, however when an ENTIRE COUNTRY of 200 million+ people (who are supposedly among the best educated, according to us anyway) can blatantly disregard science, it kinda freaks me out. It translates into your office being 1/2 & 1/2 on whether dinosaurs really existed. I’ll put it out there right now, I believe in God & was brought up with Judeo-Christian values, but I most certainly do not believe that Earth was created 10,000 years ago & that the whole thing was supernatural & magical. Seriously?! Come on people. I can go even so far as to accept that God started the whole process, but the “theory” of Creationism basically assumes that everything in the Bible is true & should be taken at face value. Well, for that, I should definitely have slaves, never wear clothing made of more than one type of fabric, never cut my hair or shave, be able to stone to death anyone who doesn’t believe in God, I should think it’s totally cool to have sex with your father (think Lot’s daughters), & be able to (with out fear of retribution now or in the afterlife) kill my spouse if I’m cheated on. On that last one, no I’m not condoning adultery, it’s just the point that we’ve (I had hoped) come a bit beyond certain parts of the Bible and accepted them instead as parable, lessons to be learned, a sort of moral compass. And when I say those types of things mentioned in the Bible, religious people from across the map will jump out & explain why we don’t believe in (or at least act on) these outdated passages. But in the same breath, they’ll defend the idea that everything was created in 6 days, that we are the only life in existence, and that we are the center of the universe. And yet, these are the same people who spew all sorts of crazy rhetoric about Muslims believing “fundamentally” in their religion (we’ll save that little gem of a web discussion for another day boys & girls—for now “Osama = Needs to die” & “Middle East = not my #1 tourist destination right now”). I don’t know folks. God’s an awesome dude, but I think even He’s shaking his head on this one.