Poop Is Brown

They really do things differently down under. This guy is getting 3-5 for assault with a hedgehog. Never considered it an option, I guess technically it is possible. But…why?!

This e-mail came through at work today:

To the gentleman male person who elected to deliberately deposit his solid waste upon the floor of the men’s room in the office hallway ………..

Please know that you are a disgusting human being truly worthy of the highest scorn possible. Your cowardly and childish act has failed to produce the result you had hoped for. We will not bring ourselves down to your level; rather, we will simply clean the floor and go forward with our lives. One day, you will accidentally reveal yourself to us. Children always get caught sooner or later. I assure you that I look forward to that day and your well earned public disgrace and banishment from our group of professionals who do not want you as a co-worker.

Wow! I love my job.

I don’t understand people’s wistfulness for the bygone days of high school. I was there. I did it. And it sucked. Think about it, these are the same people who complain that their co-workers behave like they’re a bunch of teenagers. I can’t tell you how many times I’ve heard things like, “What the hell is wrong with the Purchasing department? It’s like high school in there. They really need to grow up”. Yet they want back the cliquishness, the judgmental “cool kids”, the fashion police, the adult demands with the restrictions of youth, and the general self-centered oblivion that comes with being 17. How many reading this were at home on prom night? Or didn’t make varsity? Or were alone at the lunch table? Thankfully I had some friends, enjoyed some good times, and wasn’t coming to school in a trench coat with pencil scribbled plans for revenge. Honestly though, if I had my pick, there are only two ages to be; 4 or 22. That’s it. At 4, you are old enough to understand enough of the world to interact with it, but not yet jaded by its inadequacies, its cruelty, and its contempt for the individual. Everything is a new experience. Dandelions are awesome. Picking your nose is a reasonable practice. When you fall down & skin your knees you get kisses to make it all better. Nap time is a prerequisite of each day. Staring at clouds is a perfectly acceptable way to while away an afternoon. You have no worries about school, schedules, or what you are supposed to do. And your parents are the smartest most amazing people in the world. Skipping ahead, you now turn 22. You are at the pinnacle of your physical health. You’ve been driving long enough to have the hang of it. And chances are, you have a job that allows you the financial stability to actually go places and do things. You are free to drink and smoke and play poker and vote (hopefully not in that order). You are just beginning your adult life and are open to the possibilities that are YOU. You can be anything. Most of us are not married, have no children, and are responsible only for designing our future. And we do this with the experiences, the education, and the relationships that got us that far. Don’t get me wrong, I think the years in between 4 and 22 are very important. But I sure as shit wouldn’t want to do them again. Give me mud-pies and lollypops or give me a hot body with a 23” waist and the freedom to party until 5 am. As I continue on, I’m sure I’ll look back & say that 46 is the prime of life or that being an octogenarian is where it’s at. But for now, damn it, I want a nap!

You’d think with all the green beer (& subsequent green puke) that St. Pat’s was a recognized national holiday in the United States. But, sadly, it is not. This is a travesty of justice! We deserve another day off. We deserve to be kissed by strangers (or pinched for not wearing green). We need Saint Paddy’s day to be a national U.S. holiday. If you love St. Patrick’s like the rest of us, please go here to the Guinness website & help get the ball rolling to change the world!

I have to give a pat on the back to Tina Williams and Amber Tedrick of St. Augustine, FL for having the forethought to buckle in their case of Busch beer but not the 16 month old little girl in the back seat of the car. This is truly what Florida is all about!

Yikes, like they’re not charging enough for drinking glasses cleaned with towels left on the floor & bed bugs, now you can actually be charged for moving items in the mini-bar.WTF?!?

When giving directions in South Florida, you should always start with the words, Take I-95 to. . . .

If you’re a snowbird or a non-working retiree, you absolutely cannot drive between the hours of 6 and 10 A.M. and 4 and 7 P.M,. This is considered to be rush hour and you’re not in any rush. No exceptions.

Some roads just stop for no reason and then start again: Congress Avenue, Lyons Road, Jog Road. Freeways can only go north and south, not east and west.

A1A and ALT A1A are the same streets.

Traffic Lights aren’t timed and never will be.

You know how to drive 80 mph and you know how to drive in bumper to bumper traffic? Now do both at the same time.

We measure the distance you travel in time not miles.

If you travel more than 15-20 miles on any road in South Florida without seeing an orange Bob’s Barricade, you’re not in Florida. You’re lost!

I-95 is a parking lot not a freeway.

When your body height becomes four inches below the steering wheel get acquainted with Palm Tran train.

If you miss your exit on I-95, it’s perfectly acceptable to back up.

Once the light turns green, only three cars can go through the intersection.

Know the difference between Sun Pass, Sun Fest, Sun-Sentinel, and Sun Trust.

Flip flops, tank tops and baggy shorts are also known as business casual.

Your blinker means nothing.

English is our second language.

It is perfectly acceptable to brag about the size of your generator.

It is totally acceptable to be living in South Florida but not root for The Dolphins, The Marlins, The Heat, or The Panthers.

We have alligators here in South Florida and they WILL bite you. Don’t be stupid and try to feed or pet one.

Clematis is a street not a disease.

When a hurricane is headed our way even though you have advanced warning and you are told to be prepared, you’re not a true Floridian unless you wait until the absolute last minute to go to Home Depot to pick up plywood or to Publix to stock up water, ice, beer, and potato chips.

There is an Okeechobee Boulevard, Okeechobee Street, Okeechobee Avenue, an Okeechobee town, Okeechobee Lake, and Okeechobee County.

You know how to spell Okeechobee.

Northlake Blvd and Okeechobee Blvd are where you buy a car.

Do NOT buy a boat. Make friends with someone who already owns a boat. That way you don’t have to deal with the headaches.

You weren’t born here. If you were, you’re angry that everyone else moved here.

There’s always a Walgreens across the street from a CVS on almost every corner - with more being built every day.

When picking up a woman on South Beach, look for an Adams’ apple.

You can never be as tan as News Channel 5’s Jim Sackett.

The Amphitheater at the Fair Grounds will change names about every four years.

It’s perfectly normal to string up your Christmas lights in December while wearing shorts and a tank top.

Jupiter is a city not a planet.

Seniors have to do their errands during the weekdays. Not weeknights or weekends - that’s for the working folks.

There are three types of dolphins: Mahi-Mahi, Flipper, and also one called a football team.

You can’t say, “This is how we did it up north.” If you think that way, then go back.

No matter what they decide in Tallahassee, you will never be able to figure out your property taxes.

Learn how to dress in layers. It will be 95 degrees outside but inside any restaurant or business it’s 65 degrees.

There are three things you will need to survive a south Florida winter: A long sleeved T-shirt, sunscreen, and restaurant reservations that you make at least three weeks in advance.

The same neighbor who smiles at you every day will be the first one to rat you out if you are violating water restrictions.

It’s normal to sweat when you are putting up your holiday decorations